The Foundation Collapsed

I guess it’s easy to notice that my energy has been flagging lately. Originally I wrote three times a week in this blog. Right now I am down to less than once a week.

On another note, the flavour of the writing in this blog is very mixed. Mostly it’s me, Judith, posting. I welcome the participation of others and thank those who have been commenting. I have not yet figured out how to keep a dialogue going between myself and the followers, or between the followers themselves – someday I will figure that out! I started out with the intention of reporting on the events and results of the Tour, expecting to post several videos of talks and gatherings. Instead the majority of the posts have been more personal journal-like entries.

Am I OK? Yes, and No. Today I am “camping” in Barrie, in a house full of members of the Sophia Creek community. Gabor is in Ancaster, Ontario, with his parents. He has resigned as a personal assistant and is considering what further role he wants to have with the Tour.

The crucial roadblocks showed up early in January. A kingpin contract was canceled at the point it was supposed to begin. This ran us on the rocks in terms of finding the money both to create videos of the work and to find alternative ways to pay Gabor as a personal assistant and David as a back-up and a videographer, NABORS still refused to pay on the basis that the Ministry of Health policy is that I cannot receive funded services for this many weeks outside my province. At the same time we lost the capacity to join two or three other organizations, including youth initiatives, into this one project, creating something with lasting impact. We were stopped!

At the same time I was having migraine, anger and depression in reaction to a medication I was taking to handle the post-bronchitis asthma-like reactions to smokers, swamp smells and the local pulp and paper mill. I quit the medication!

Gabor started to develop a sore back.

Then it emerged that I had terminated my travel/medical insurance by going back to TO for 5 days in January. I looked around and discovered an alternative provider, but in the meantime, through Gabor’s urgings and Skype meetings of my support circle it became apparent that our circumstances were too insecure and we had better return home.

Of course, where’s home?

We left the trailer in Tybee and I returned to Camphill. I have also stayed several nights at the home of the Galati’s. They have an accessible bathtub, which has made a huge difference to my stress level!

Along the way I fell twice in two makeshift beds. The long drives and the falls served to worsen Gabor’s back.

Once here my circle and I went to work to restore the foundation so we can continue. Talks to sort out issues and refresh Gabor’s and my relationship. Conversations between leaders in several service providing and transfer payment agencies. Baths and massages. Hiring a new “roadie” and gathering a few back-up staff for my time running between Toronto and Barrie. Downtime with friends. Good meals.

A week and a half later some resolutions to the flow of funding seem to be brewing. But the foundation is far from solid. Gabor resigned.

I am far from my trailer. I have five commitments in Georgia that I would be a fool to drop or run back to do – a lose/lose situation for sure. I have no home. I have too little backing from the “service providing system” to give me the support I need to continue to be an international builder of World Peace through Inclusion.

Of course even this has taught me much. In the midst of the January bronchitis, medication headaches and deep discussions with Gabor to deal with our mutual stresses I had great insight - I realized that an incident when I was very young had scared me deeply. As part of that the little girl Judith became afraid that someday she would run into something that scared her SO BADLY she couldn't handle it. This paradoxically made me keep trying scarier things, unconsciously trying to vaccinate myself against my own fear. Now I have seen this I can stop doing this, because I now know what I actually want to do with my life and throughout all three plus months I've been scared enough to satisfy myself that I can handle fear. I am free to build from a much less risky place.

The brightest spot on the horizon is that Jason Wiles has been present and training with me for ten days, knows what is happening and is up for the challenge.

Any ideas – please be in touch.

Judith