It is a real pleasure that Gabor has taken to keeping up this blog with me. I don't feel as guilty when I don't post for a week or so!
As I write it is Sunday and I am sitting in "Derek's Cafe" at 15 Parkside, Barrie, in the arms of Sophia Creek, Camphill. Last night we had Bible Study - Camphill style - something like a Quaker friends gathering with readings from the Camphill story as well as scripture and room for each person present to be silent and to reflect publicly on how they feel the Spirit of Light is calling them as an individual and as a member of the community.
Our present reflections are filled with the wonderings of how we will find and afford housing for all those who want to be physically present in Sophia Creek. I am not the only one figuring that one out.
Gabor, Jason and I left River's End Campground last Wednesday. We have "gigs" coming up in Ohio and Minnesota, but the bulk of the World Peace through Inclusion Tour is now behind us.
For me this primarily means beginning the work of gathering up the stories and reflections of all I and we have experienced and learned over five months. It means building something unique, generative and valuable on the foundation of the work and experience that this period in my life made possible. It also means cleaning up the "messes" that this abrupt shift in my life created - hurt feelings, lost communications, anxieties and exhaustions that others experienced because I took such a dramatic direction last October.
Leaving Tybee and Savannah brought me several moments of real tears. As we drove through and away from the city I was nearly overwhelmed by the memories flooding from almost every corner, park and building. I have lived more intensely in these places than anywhere in my adult life. Tybee is my home in a unique way - not just because of the marshes and pelicans, the campground pot lucks and the windy beach walks, but also because I took and found the opportunity here to find my own roots - the place from which I can truly continue to build inclusion.
I have discovered that home is not necessarily where you like to be. There were many moments when it has been very difficult to be in Tybee and Savannah. Home is where for better and worse you can find your ground and discover who you can truly make yourself into. At 59 I am late coming to this place. But then it is said that Frank Lloyd Wright did his best work between ages 60 and 90.
This summer I will restabilize my home and personal assistance, finish my second book, and most importantly work with Gabor and others to create the World Peace through Inclusion Foundation. Our chief work is to research and develop the model of building inclusive community through syncopated transitions. An explanation I gave to Gabor one hot summer afternoon to describe how to approach developing community right in the midst of the "institution" has become the core of a promising model of inclusive transformations.
The end of the journey was present in its beginning.
Judith
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Reflection at the Sentient Bean
I am sitting in the Sentient Bean coffee shop, downtown Savannah. It is a cafe owned by Kristin Russell, a good friend and supporter of Judith and the Tour. Judith and I have given two workshops here called Nights of Inclusion (the third one got cancelled because of our sudden return to Toronto), and I have played music here several times. I biked for about 45 minutes from Susan Earl's late husband's condo where I am currently staying at until Wednesday, when we take our final leave of this beautiful city. I have been going through the pictures I took at the St Patrick's Day parade yesterday. Some of them turned out excellent, I posted about 30 of the on Facebook, but the compression algorithm they use really wash the vibrant colors out. Still, they look great, it was the first sunny and warm day after about a week of rain.
Tom Kohler came by and hung out by my table for half an hour, so I copied some of the pictures onto his hard drive. Tom is one of the few people that I have gotten to know well on this trip and he has become one of my heroes. He truly represents for me what inclusive community organizing is about. I met Tom last summer at the Toronto Summer Institute, which is a week long gathering of worldwide Inclusionists, organized by Jack Pearpoint of the Inclusion Network. He is the coordinator and ED of Chatham-Savannah Citizen Advocacy, and he is the ultimate pF* Social Networker. (*pre-Facebook) A native of Savannah, he has been at this since CA was invented, effectively growing and steering his organization through tides of change that constitute the modern history of his beloved city. I would hazard that he is truly one of the few individuals responsible for the city's amazing renaissance throughout the seventies and eighties, through his tireless efforts to connect and network, and his insatiable desire to create an engaged citizenry.
Tom knows everyone. This is not an exaggeration. By first and last name, where and when they met, what they do and who they know, who and how their spouses, children, pets...etc are. And he cares. Genuinely. This is what truly distinguishes Tom: he advances the radical notion that we are all connected, and this connection is really worth cultivating at every level, simply because this is who we truly are. Do you need to borrow a car in a short notice to get to a job interview out of town? He knows someone who will lend you one, simply because Tom will vouch for you. Is your sister organizing a discussion forum on Civil Rights and The Role of the Southern Church? Tom knows just the right key note speaker, here is her phone number. Are you interested in hiring a new parking attendant for your city department? He knows the disadvantaged black youth looking for a way to finance his college degree. But really, who are you? What turns your crank? That is what Tom is interested in finding out. What is your passion that makes you who you are? That is what makes you valuable if you take up his challenge to express yourself - not just for you and yours. Take a leap of faith and open it to the community. Whose community? Does it matter? just share it, dammit. With whoever cares. Funny, that this sharing of your gift is actually what creates the community in which you can share your gift.
I have learnt from Tom that there is a type of engagement that transcends the deepest divisions of class, race, history, religion and other dividers running through this beautiful city built on the swamp. Savannah, with its centuries old oak trees that have seen alligators, slavery, lynchings and SUVs is a city with real soul. This is where the meandering Savannah river meets the ocean and creates a unique wetland ecosystem that supports just about every type of sub-tropical flora and fauna you can think of. Pine trees, palm trees, wetland grasses and wild tropical flowers coexist and complement each other on the historic city streets; black oaks, covered in a type of symbiotic overhanging moss create a rich canopy of moody afternoons in many of the downtown parks frequented by students of the Savannah College of Art and Design (OCAD with a soul). I fell in love with Tom's vision of the Savannah that is possible through the passion and commitment to involve and include everyone of his fellow citizens in the process of the city creating itself.
In closing, I wanted to insert two entries here. First is a short bio of Tom from the SCSA website:
"Tom Kohler, Coordinator and Executive Director, is a native of Savannah. He attended the public schools in Chatham County and graduated in 1970 from Herschel V. Jenkins High School. After this, he attended Armstrong State College and the University of Georgia, where he received his degree in 1976.
Tom has been involved with people who have disabilities since he was 15 years old. His first involvement was through a volunteer experience at the Temple Youth Group at Mickve Israel Temple. Tom has been the Coordinator for the Chatham-Savannah Citizen Advocacy for the past 31 years.
In the early days, Tom was taught that the question was “In what ways is this person broken and how do we fix them?” It has taken thirty years to get to a better question, “The world has a deep crack in it;, how do we try and stitch it back together?” This question follows Buckminster Fuller’s maxim, “Life is long; pick something big and interesting and work on it.”
The second one is an e-mail that Judith and I received regarding the workshops we gave this weekend:
"Dear Judith and Gabor,
Thank you both for all that you did for citizen advocacy Sunday and Monday. We have had such positive feedback from both our Board members and the group of advocates and community members. Some of the comments are posted below:
“Provocative…more than provocative!”
“It was the best one I have been at, in literally years and years.”
“I heard things today that I never thought about before.”
“Every citizen advocate needs to hear her, those “trigger words” are now in my mind.”
I am personally challenged to move from the private to the public. I look forward to other opportunities to experience your gifts. Please let us know when you are returning to the Atlanta area.
Sincerely,
Derona King, Coordinator
Citizen Advocacy of Atlanta & DeKalb, Inc."
Written by Gabor, March 18
Tom Kohler came by and hung out by my table for half an hour, so I copied some of the pictures onto his hard drive. Tom is one of the few people that I have gotten to know well on this trip and he has become one of my heroes. He truly represents for me what inclusive community organizing is about. I met Tom last summer at the Toronto Summer Institute, which is a week long gathering of worldwide Inclusionists, organized by Jack Pearpoint of the Inclusion Network. He is the coordinator and ED of Chatham-Savannah Citizen Advocacy, and he is the ultimate pF* Social Networker. (*pre-Facebook) A native of Savannah, he has been at this since CA was invented, effectively growing and steering his organization through tides of change that constitute the modern history of his beloved city. I would hazard that he is truly one of the few individuals responsible for the city's amazing renaissance throughout the seventies and eighties, through his tireless efforts to connect and network, and his insatiable desire to create an engaged citizenry.
Tom knows everyone. This is not an exaggeration. By first and last name, where and when they met, what they do and who they know, who and how their spouses, children, pets...etc are. And he cares. Genuinely. This is what truly distinguishes Tom: he advances the radical notion that we are all connected, and this connection is really worth cultivating at every level, simply because this is who we truly are. Do you need to borrow a car in a short notice to get to a job interview out of town? He knows someone who will lend you one, simply because Tom will vouch for you. Is your sister organizing a discussion forum on Civil Rights and The Role of the Southern Church? Tom knows just the right key note speaker, here is her phone number. Are you interested in hiring a new parking attendant for your city department? He knows the disadvantaged black youth looking for a way to finance his college degree. But really, who are you? What turns your crank? That is what Tom is interested in finding out. What is your passion that makes you who you are? That is what makes you valuable if you take up his challenge to express yourself - not just for you and yours. Take a leap of faith and open it to the community. Whose community? Does it matter? just share it, dammit. With whoever cares. Funny, that this sharing of your gift is actually what creates the community in which you can share your gift.
I have learnt from Tom that there is a type of engagement that transcends the deepest divisions of class, race, history, religion and other dividers running through this beautiful city built on the swamp. Savannah, with its centuries old oak trees that have seen alligators, slavery, lynchings and SUVs is a city with real soul. This is where the meandering Savannah river meets the ocean and creates a unique wetland ecosystem that supports just about every type of sub-tropical flora and fauna you can think of. Pine trees, palm trees, wetland grasses and wild tropical flowers coexist and complement each other on the historic city streets; black oaks, covered in a type of symbiotic overhanging moss create a rich canopy of moody afternoons in many of the downtown parks frequented by students of the Savannah College of Art and Design (OCAD with a soul). I fell in love with Tom's vision of the Savannah that is possible through the passion and commitment to involve and include everyone of his fellow citizens in the process of the city creating itself.
In closing, I wanted to insert two entries here. First is a short bio of Tom from the SCSA website:
"Tom Kohler, Coordinator and Executive Director, is a native of Savannah. He attended the public schools in Chatham County and graduated in 1970 from Herschel V. Jenkins High School. After this, he attended Armstrong State College and the University of Georgia, where he received his degree in 1976.
Tom has been involved with people who have disabilities since he was 15 years old. His first involvement was through a volunteer experience at the Temple Youth Group at Mickve Israel Temple. Tom has been the Coordinator for the Chatham-Savannah Citizen Advocacy for the past 31 years.
In the early days, Tom was taught that the question was “In what ways is this person broken and how do we fix them?” It has taken thirty years to get to a better question, “The world has a deep crack in it;, how do we try and stitch it back together?” This question follows Buckminster Fuller’s maxim, “Life is long; pick something big and interesting and work on it.”
The second one is an e-mail that Judith and I received regarding the workshops we gave this weekend:
"Dear Judith and Gabor,
Thank you both for all that you did for citizen advocacy Sunday and Monday. We have had such positive feedback from both our Board members and the group of advocates and community members. Some of the comments are posted below:
“Provocative…more than provocative!”
“It was the best one I have been at, in literally years and years.”
“I heard things today that I never thought about before.”
“Every citizen advocate needs to hear her, those “trigger words” are now in my mind.”
I am personally challenged to move from the private to the public. I look forward to other opportunities to experience your gifts. Please let us know when you are returning to the Atlanta area.
Sincerely,
Derona King, Coordinator
Citizen Advocacy of Atlanta & DeKalb, Inc."
Written by Gabor, March 18
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Explanation
I just returned from a short walk to the beach. Lara is off to a job interview, Jason is in Tampa golfing, Gabor is hanging out in Atlanta. I am alone - or at least by myself – for two hours with Charlie, Lara’s dog.
It is a blustery, chilly day in Tybee. Although the campground is filling up and tourists were everywhere on my little journey to the beach no one is swimming today. The tide is coming in with real surf – the kind of waves that indicate the undertow so many signs on the north end of the island warn swimmers about.
Everywhere there are signs of both devastation and renewal. Parts of palms and trees are scattered about and last night, when I got back to Avalanche at 6:00 PM, it was clear that the electricity had been off for most of the two weeks I had been away. Likely a big storm had passed through.
With the electricity off the fridge had been off too. Neither Jason nor Lara could stomach the job of cleaning up the rot and mold, but once again the generous staff of River’s End Campground came through for me.
At the same time vigorous new palms are growing through the boardwalk that takes me to the beach and – glory be praised – the tides of Tybee have already reclaimed much of the new sand that was carefully dredged up and laid down by the City Council in December, to extend this tourist resource out into the ocean. This is a celebration for me because once again I can reach the water’s edge on the blue and white striped runner that has been laid out by the same City Council so that wheelchair users can reach the ocean. Next week I will be able to stroll on the hard packed sand at low tide.
The gulls were flying low today. Two young pelicans flew right over me, a mere twelve feet above my head. I felt welcomed back.
I can only stay now less than two weeks – including three days taken out to do workshops in Macon and Atlanta – before it’s on to Ohio and Minnesota to finish the Tour. This fact, along with all the effort and sacrifice required to rebuild the foundation so that Gabor could return and Jason could join us, puts me in mind of why I came in the first place to this magical place. Why did I leave my home, spend my money and body, endure cold, accidents and illness, risk my funding for support, and strain my relationships with family, friends and assistants? Was it only to be with palm trees and pelicans?
I know the answer – I always have. But I realize that I have rarely expressed it in public. Therein lies the heart of most of my difficulties. As public as I appear to be I still have secrets that I hold to myself.
There are people in the world who are currently called “developmentally delayed” – they still are often called “severely retarded” in private. In my childhood I was frequently put with them because my support requirements are the same. From that early age I continue to experience a great kinship and communication with people who do not speak. I know that some of my greatest gifts are from this side of my nature.
At the same time I have a great kinship with people who do speak – the so called “normal”. I know that some of my greatest gifts are from this side of my nature.
My drive to build inclusion is very much rooted in my personal desire to live in a world where I am not required to pretend to be either one or the other. What sort of world would permit me to freely and responsibly be both a partner in a number of relationships with deeply caring, skilled and responsive personal assistants – to live the publicly intimate and vulnerable nature my body holds me in - and, in one time and in one body, be an intelligent, articulate, passionate, spiritually and emotionally strong woman?
I came to Tybee after decades of groping toward a better way to both ask and answer the question. Everything I have tried until last summer has led me to dead ends. In a world where either one is disabled or one is normal, if I am to have any measure of public freedom and safety I had better play to my normal side every time.
Of course I’m stating it too baldly. There have always been ways that I could find to live fully. But just the same the barriers still snap back into place every time. I could get a job, buy a house, start and lead groups and projects, make friends and colleagues, but the “me” who does these things doesn’t openly also get to be the “me” who lives in the intimate space occupied by those who usually don’t speak and who live through the will and care of others, contributing in return a spiritual and emotional connectedness rarely available to folks with bodies that support the illusion of independence.
In the year of 1955 I became aware of my spiritual commission to create a world where the silent could be appreciated for their gifts, contributions and being. In the year of 2007 I cracked – in the sense that it became unbearable to me to live and work in a world of jobs, private homes and private lives. Two other people – like me also labeled and working as token advocates in a service agency – suffered heart attacks within a year of each other, and one died. I took it as writing on the wall, and retired.
After more than 50 years of living to create inclusive society I was disgusted and discouraged with my lack of success. Much has changed and some of that change is even attributed to me. But my aim is neither to be famous nor to have a movement of change based on my thinking. I both want to be “we” and I want for quiet, unusual people to be appreciated and supported to contribute as full citizens in a real world of community – just as they are – not having to pretend to be as normal as possible.
I need to find another way to open the doors. Advocating, meeting, lobbying, resisting, fighting – these either are unavailable or can’t work for quiet, unusual people. We need our own way to transform the world – a way as vulnerable and intimate as ourselves. I want to discover, perhaps create, that way.
With the entrance of Gabor, the techno DJ, community loving, party seeking, closet intellectual, into my life a new version of my dream became possible. Gabor entered into conversations about transformation. He understood what I meant – even led me further than I intended to go – when I explained that inclusion is like inserting a disruptive rhythm into a well established beat so that the music isn’t stopped but is altered so that suddenly a new dance is possible.
And so the World Peace through Inclusion Tour was born. Gabor was up for it even though he risked working for four months without pay. I was up for it, largely unconscious of what I was risking, but desperate for a road out of futility.
It has been much harder than I could have imagined. The details are in this blog.
It also has given me a vision of inclusion that can succeed. It has given me the answer to my constant question – “What do I want to do with my life?”
So, no – I am not bent on a permanent vacation with palms and pelicans and I am not dangerously naïve and stubborn. I am looking for a path for those of us with capacities unrecognized in the world to achieve our full human stature. I think I may have found it.
Judith
It is a blustery, chilly day in Tybee. Although the campground is filling up and tourists were everywhere on my little journey to the beach no one is swimming today. The tide is coming in with real surf – the kind of waves that indicate the undertow so many signs on the north end of the island warn swimmers about.
Everywhere there are signs of both devastation and renewal. Parts of palms and trees are scattered about and last night, when I got back to Avalanche at 6:00 PM, it was clear that the electricity had been off for most of the two weeks I had been away. Likely a big storm had passed through.
With the electricity off the fridge had been off too. Neither Jason nor Lara could stomach the job of cleaning up the rot and mold, but once again the generous staff of River’s End Campground came through for me.
At the same time vigorous new palms are growing through the boardwalk that takes me to the beach and – glory be praised – the tides of Tybee have already reclaimed much of the new sand that was carefully dredged up and laid down by the City Council in December, to extend this tourist resource out into the ocean. This is a celebration for me because once again I can reach the water’s edge on the blue and white striped runner that has been laid out by the same City Council so that wheelchair users can reach the ocean. Next week I will be able to stroll on the hard packed sand at low tide.
The gulls were flying low today. Two young pelicans flew right over me, a mere twelve feet above my head. I felt welcomed back.
I can only stay now less than two weeks – including three days taken out to do workshops in Macon and Atlanta – before it’s on to Ohio and Minnesota to finish the Tour. This fact, along with all the effort and sacrifice required to rebuild the foundation so that Gabor could return and Jason could join us, puts me in mind of why I came in the first place to this magical place. Why did I leave my home, spend my money and body, endure cold, accidents and illness, risk my funding for support, and strain my relationships with family, friends and assistants? Was it only to be with palm trees and pelicans?
I know the answer – I always have. But I realize that I have rarely expressed it in public. Therein lies the heart of most of my difficulties. As public as I appear to be I still have secrets that I hold to myself.
There are people in the world who are currently called “developmentally delayed” – they still are often called “severely retarded” in private. In my childhood I was frequently put with them because my support requirements are the same. From that early age I continue to experience a great kinship and communication with people who do not speak. I know that some of my greatest gifts are from this side of my nature.
At the same time I have a great kinship with people who do speak – the so called “normal”. I know that some of my greatest gifts are from this side of my nature.
My drive to build inclusion is very much rooted in my personal desire to live in a world where I am not required to pretend to be either one or the other. What sort of world would permit me to freely and responsibly be both a partner in a number of relationships with deeply caring, skilled and responsive personal assistants – to live the publicly intimate and vulnerable nature my body holds me in - and, in one time and in one body, be an intelligent, articulate, passionate, spiritually and emotionally strong woman?
I came to Tybee after decades of groping toward a better way to both ask and answer the question. Everything I have tried until last summer has led me to dead ends. In a world where either one is disabled or one is normal, if I am to have any measure of public freedom and safety I had better play to my normal side every time.
Of course I’m stating it too baldly. There have always been ways that I could find to live fully. But just the same the barriers still snap back into place every time. I could get a job, buy a house, start and lead groups and projects, make friends and colleagues, but the “me” who does these things doesn’t openly also get to be the “me” who lives in the intimate space occupied by those who usually don’t speak and who live through the will and care of others, contributing in return a spiritual and emotional connectedness rarely available to folks with bodies that support the illusion of independence.
In the year of 1955 I became aware of my spiritual commission to create a world where the silent could be appreciated for their gifts, contributions and being. In the year of 2007 I cracked – in the sense that it became unbearable to me to live and work in a world of jobs, private homes and private lives. Two other people – like me also labeled and working as token advocates in a service agency – suffered heart attacks within a year of each other, and one died. I took it as writing on the wall, and retired.
After more than 50 years of living to create inclusive society I was disgusted and discouraged with my lack of success. Much has changed and some of that change is even attributed to me. But my aim is neither to be famous nor to have a movement of change based on my thinking. I both want to be “we” and I want for quiet, unusual people to be appreciated and supported to contribute as full citizens in a real world of community – just as they are – not having to pretend to be as normal as possible.
I need to find another way to open the doors. Advocating, meeting, lobbying, resisting, fighting – these either are unavailable or can’t work for quiet, unusual people. We need our own way to transform the world – a way as vulnerable and intimate as ourselves. I want to discover, perhaps create, that way.
With the entrance of Gabor, the techno DJ, community loving, party seeking, closet intellectual, into my life a new version of my dream became possible. Gabor entered into conversations about transformation. He understood what I meant – even led me further than I intended to go – when I explained that inclusion is like inserting a disruptive rhythm into a well established beat so that the music isn’t stopped but is altered so that suddenly a new dance is possible.
And so the World Peace through Inclusion Tour was born. Gabor was up for it even though he risked working for four months without pay. I was up for it, largely unconscious of what I was risking, but desperate for a road out of futility.
It has been much harder than I could have imagined. The details are in this blog.
It also has given me a vision of inclusion that can succeed. It has given me the answer to my constant question – “What do I want to do with my life?”
So, no – I am not bent on a permanent vacation with palms and pelicans and I am not dangerously naïve and stubborn. I am looking for a path for those of us with capacities unrecognized in the world to achieve our full human stature. I think I may have found it.
Judith
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Third Leg
Late tomorrow Gabor Podor, Jason Wiles and I will start back for Atlanta, Gabor to resume his Excellence Seminar and Jason and I to catch the Welcome Wednesday supper at First Presbyterian in Savannah.
Gabor and I are on the mend.
Jason is a new and enthusiastic personal assistant, strong and ready to work hard and to further the action of the World Peace through Inclusion Tour.
We will keep in touch.
Judith
Gabor and I are on the mend.
Jason is a new and enthusiastic personal assistant, strong and ready to work hard and to further the action of the World Peace through Inclusion Tour.
We will keep in touch.
Judith
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
The Foundation Collapsed
I guess it’s easy to notice that my energy has been flagging lately. Originally I wrote three times a week in this blog. Right now I am down to less than once a week.
On another note, the flavour of the writing in this blog is very mixed. Mostly it’s me, Judith, posting. I welcome the participation of others and thank those who have been commenting. I have not yet figured out how to keep a dialogue going between myself and the followers, or between the followers themselves – someday I will figure that out! I started out with the intention of reporting on the events and results of the Tour, expecting to post several videos of talks and gatherings. Instead the majority of the posts have been more personal journal-like entries.
Am I OK? Yes, and No. Today I am “camping” in Barrie, in a house full of members of the Sophia Creek community. Gabor is in Ancaster, Ontario, with his parents. He has resigned as a personal assistant and is considering what further role he wants to have with the Tour.
The crucial roadblocks showed up early in January. A kingpin contract was canceled at the point it was supposed to begin. This ran us on the rocks in terms of finding the money both to create videos of the work and to find alternative ways to pay Gabor as a personal assistant and David as a back-up and a videographer, NABORS still refused to pay on the basis that the Ministry of Health policy is that I cannot receive funded services for this many weeks outside my province. At the same time we lost the capacity to join two or three other organizations, including youth initiatives, into this one project, creating something with lasting impact. We were stopped!
At the same time I was having migraine, anger and depression in reaction to a medication I was taking to handle the post-bronchitis asthma-like reactions to smokers, swamp smells and the local pulp and paper mill. I quit the medication!
Gabor started to develop a sore back.
Then it emerged that I had terminated my travel/medical insurance by going back to TO for 5 days in January. I looked around and discovered an alternative provider, but in the meantime, through Gabor’s urgings and Skype meetings of my support circle it became apparent that our circumstances were too insecure and we had better return home.
Of course, where’s home?
We left the trailer in Tybee and I returned to Camphill. I have also stayed several nights at the home of the Galati’s. They have an accessible bathtub, which has made a huge difference to my stress level!
Along the way I fell twice in two makeshift beds. The long drives and the falls served to worsen Gabor’s back.
Once here my circle and I went to work to restore the foundation so we can continue. Talks to sort out issues and refresh Gabor’s and my relationship. Conversations between leaders in several service providing and transfer payment agencies. Baths and massages. Hiring a new “roadie” and gathering a few back-up staff for my time running between Toronto and Barrie. Downtime with friends. Good meals.
A week and a half later some resolutions to the flow of funding seem to be brewing. But the foundation is far from solid. Gabor resigned.
I am far from my trailer. I have five commitments in Georgia that I would be a fool to drop or run back to do – a lose/lose situation for sure. I have no home. I have too little backing from the “service providing system” to give me the support I need to continue to be an international builder of World Peace through Inclusion.
Of course even this has taught me much. In the midst of the January bronchitis, medication headaches and deep discussions with Gabor to deal with our mutual stresses I had great insight - I realized that an incident when I was very young had scared me deeply. As part of that the little girl Judith became afraid that someday she would run into something that scared her SO BADLY she couldn't handle it. This paradoxically made me keep trying scarier things, unconsciously trying to vaccinate myself against my own fear. Now I have seen this I can stop doing this, because I now know what I actually want to do with my life and throughout all three plus months I've been scared enough to satisfy myself that I can handle fear. I am free to build from a much less risky place.
The brightest spot on the horizon is that Jason Wiles has been present and training with me for ten days, knows what is happening and is up for the challenge.
Any ideas – please be in touch.
Judith
On another note, the flavour of the writing in this blog is very mixed. Mostly it’s me, Judith, posting. I welcome the participation of others and thank those who have been commenting. I have not yet figured out how to keep a dialogue going between myself and the followers, or between the followers themselves – someday I will figure that out! I started out with the intention of reporting on the events and results of the Tour, expecting to post several videos of talks and gatherings. Instead the majority of the posts have been more personal journal-like entries.
Am I OK? Yes, and No. Today I am “camping” in Barrie, in a house full of members of the Sophia Creek community. Gabor is in Ancaster, Ontario, with his parents. He has resigned as a personal assistant and is considering what further role he wants to have with the Tour.
The crucial roadblocks showed up early in January. A kingpin contract was canceled at the point it was supposed to begin. This ran us on the rocks in terms of finding the money both to create videos of the work and to find alternative ways to pay Gabor as a personal assistant and David as a back-up and a videographer, NABORS still refused to pay on the basis that the Ministry of Health policy is that I cannot receive funded services for this many weeks outside my province. At the same time we lost the capacity to join two or three other organizations, including youth initiatives, into this one project, creating something with lasting impact. We were stopped!
At the same time I was having migraine, anger and depression in reaction to a medication I was taking to handle the post-bronchitis asthma-like reactions to smokers, swamp smells and the local pulp and paper mill. I quit the medication!
Gabor started to develop a sore back.
Then it emerged that I had terminated my travel/medical insurance by going back to TO for 5 days in January. I looked around and discovered an alternative provider, but in the meantime, through Gabor’s urgings and Skype meetings of my support circle it became apparent that our circumstances were too insecure and we had better return home.
Of course, where’s home?
We left the trailer in Tybee and I returned to Camphill. I have also stayed several nights at the home of the Galati’s. They have an accessible bathtub, which has made a huge difference to my stress level!
Along the way I fell twice in two makeshift beds. The long drives and the falls served to worsen Gabor’s back.
Once here my circle and I went to work to restore the foundation so we can continue. Talks to sort out issues and refresh Gabor’s and my relationship. Conversations between leaders in several service providing and transfer payment agencies. Baths and massages. Hiring a new “roadie” and gathering a few back-up staff for my time running between Toronto and Barrie. Downtime with friends. Good meals.
A week and a half later some resolutions to the flow of funding seem to be brewing. But the foundation is far from solid. Gabor resigned.
I am far from my trailer. I have five commitments in Georgia that I would be a fool to drop or run back to do – a lose/lose situation for sure. I have no home. I have too little backing from the “service providing system” to give me the support I need to continue to be an international builder of World Peace through Inclusion.
Of course even this has taught me much. In the midst of the January bronchitis, medication headaches and deep discussions with Gabor to deal with our mutual stresses I had great insight - I realized that an incident when I was very young had scared me deeply. As part of that the little girl Judith became afraid that someday she would run into something that scared her SO BADLY she couldn't handle it. This paradoxically made me keep trying scarier things, unconsciously trying to vaccinate myself against my own fear. Now I have seen this I can stop doing this, because I now know what I actually want to do with my life and throughout all three plus months I've been scared enough to satisfy myself that I can handle fear. I am free to build from a much less risky place.
The brightest spot on the horizon is that Jason Wiles has been present and training with me for ten days, knows what is happening and is up for the challenge.
Any ideas – please be in touch.
Judith
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